With a one persistent headache and an unshakable nausea one would assume there wouldn’t be anything else I can do to make this situation even worse for myself. Excuse me sir, you’re wrong. Do you even know me?
I decided to go through my blog, ah, yes, I have to specify which one because in my minuscule time of existing on this planet I have created more blogs that anyone ever should—which may indicate that I have a problem. I call this my I-found-anew-shiny-thing-to-do habit which is a completely different conversation for some other day. However, as far as the scope of this blog is concerned, I was going through all the blogs on megstalks and now adding to headache and nausea, I am not cringing every two seconds.
This brings me to something interesting, I have been writing blogs or journals in one form or the other and there are two contradictory things I seem to believe in. One, is I get wiser as I grow older, and two, I will never change as a person and they will have to bury me with my worst habits. I do understand both of these come from some deep rooted insecurity (doesn’t everything?) but these feel like the loudest thoughts I have had since as long as I can remember thinking.
The first one, where I believe I grow wiser as I grow older. This overwhelms me whenever I try to do something new like writing another blog or giving a talk and I just want to hide away in a shell because sometimes things are scary and a shell is comfy. Here, I believe that when I am older and wiser, I will look back at myself and think what a loser, why couldn’t she do this better? Why did she embarrass herself so much and just to prove the same point, I will go back to older things I have done and say “look, that’s cringy content”
That is exactly what I did today with re-reading only the cringy blogs and ignoring all the semi-good ones.
Second time is when I have the exactly opposite view, the older I get, dumber I get. I feel like I have a zero or negative growth quotient and things are just going to get worse every day as it passes by. Again, preventing me from trying/showing I have done anything new.
I guess this is where I try to inject something hopeful, but I don’t have anything. I am still in the process of trying to accept my insecurities and the best way I can make sense of them is writing them. I think no matter what I do I will not stop trying to be so self-critical. However, I have realised one thing. Like my mood swings, these thoughts aren’t really linear up or linear down. They aren’t even Dunning Kruger curve like. They are properly cyclical and they will always be. I do believe I will have phases of not being happy with new things I try and then there will be phases where I will not be happy because there aren’t enough things I am trying.
I think I will find self acceptance somewhere in between these two ends of the cycle and then probably questions thing all over again.