A night of contemplative reassurance.

There is something utterly reassuring about knowing that what you’re studying/working isn’t coming out of an incautious need to survive but rather an inexplicable curiosity. I understand that the circumstances at which this realization struck me are quite complicated. However, I wouldn’t have imagined any other time when I would have so much free time at my hand, so much time to ponder upon, so much to read, think, listen, to understand, explore–oh explore. It’s like there is this swamp of thick sludge on top of the information to prevent you from knowing everything, and the only way you can get down there is by swimming through this layer of slop to the clean water beneath it where you can see everything that’s out there. You can access this piece of information only when you have time and perseverance to deal with the sludge. I would like to give a million different excuses, a thousand “if”s and another thousand faux-encouraging “it’s okay”s, but none of them would entirely explain the real reason behind this all. I would like to say that I never have time because I am out there doing so many important things. I could say no other twenty-one-year-old has time either, it’s a luxury that you can afford only when you’re older. The underlying reason is simple though, I bite off more than I can chew, and then I overcompensate by trying to give my everything to these things, and eventually they come at the cost of me. They come at the expense of the things that I would instead be exploring without any egotistical personal gain, without any remarkable professional milestone, without any requirement to be perpetually reassured by someone that there is relevance to the things that I do, just unconditionally exploring. Exploration without constraints and conditions is written in fine print and marked by asterisks to deceive you. Well, there are different reassurances I seek though, and there is something utterly reassuring about knowing that what you’re studying/working isn’t coming out of an incautious need to survive.

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